We are living in a Material World (and trying to live guilt free)
Note: I have had this in my drafts folder for a month or so now and with need for blog fodder for NaBloPoMo I am taking it out of the files and dusting it off and giving it a polishing update. Maybe it should be chapter one of NaNoWriMo.
I do not consider myself a material person. I like things, certain things and I like certain things the way I like them. We all do. We all have our likes, dislikes, styles, desires for things to be a certain way, color, or design. I am not a high maintenance person. I know what I like and what I do not like. Of the things in my life I have many more of the things I do not like, than of things I do like. Why? It is not by choice. Or is it? I do not know, but I have been working very hard on de-cluttering my life for a while now and that de-cluttering involves my thoughts as well as the things around me. These thoughts have flickered on and off in my head for the past few years now and in recently have been weighing heavier and heavier on my mind because of situations in my life. You need a little history to understand where I am coming from with all of this so bare with me and I will be as brief as possible and touch the important factors only.
I grew up in a house with a father who kept just about everything. If an item came in a box, then the box had to be kept as long as the item was around. You know, just in case. Keep the box, keep the packaging, keep the receipts, keep the bag from the store. Yes, keeping certain things is good, but this can go overboard easily. With all of this kind of thinking around me I did not realize that I was being taught to collect clutter.
I grew up being taught that company, the guests in our house, come first. I do not have a problem with that. The idea is that we are to make our guests feel special. We clean our house extra nice for company (you know, when we know they are coming) and we cook up special meals for them to eat. We make sure the special sheets are on the guest bed, and that the pretty towels are hanging in the bathroom. As a child I was taught that my guest got to choose what game we played, guest always go first (even if the rules say the highest role goes first). The guest is special, let the guest make all the decisions. As a child, I learned the hard way over and over and over again, that even if the guest hit me or was mean to me, the guest was always right. But what always confused me as a child was when I was the guest my parents always made sure I knew the “You are a Guest” Rules, as I call them. I was told before going to a friends house: “Now don’t get in the way. Be nice. Let your host go first to show you what to do. Let your host make the choices because it is their house and their games and their _____ (fill in the blank).” You get the picture, right? My parents taught me a lot about their view of me by these actions. At a young age I began having a poor image of myself, my thoughts, my likes, my dislikes, my wants, my dreams, my desires, my anything. I did not know what to think of myself except poorly when I was taught that there was nothing special about me to make anything important enough for me to be first or special.
I gained a very unhealthy view of myself and my worth and one day a light bulb came on in my head thanks to a good friend who saw what was happening. But a great deal of damage was already done. Much of which I will not get into because it is not relevant to my point here today. My biggest struggle was learning to speak up for myself. Learning that what I like and do not like (be it colors, flavors, clothes) is just fine. We are all different and I thank God for that. How boring life would be if we were all the same. But I struggled for years to accept the fact that while I was a broken individual who needed Christ I wasn’t broken in the sense of my creative created being. God made me who I am. He knit me in my mother’s womb, placing in me the parts that made me who I am: I like green. I like Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream. I like wearing blue jeans. I like Sonic cherry Coke. I like vanilla syrup in my coffee. Just because I like green does not make it wrong when my friend likes blue. I do not get my feelings hurt if someone likes something I do not, just as others do not get their feelings hurt if I like something they do not like. If I like something and you say, “That is ugly” it will hurt my feelings a little (it used to hurt a lot) because it felt like an attack. If I like something and you say, “I do not like that” or “I think that is ugly” it does not hurt my feelings. Why? Because the first is stated more of a fact instead of an opinion. We are all different and we all like different things. If I am wearing something that is not flattering, do not tell me I am ugly. Tell me the outfit is not flattering. See, it is the words that matter. For most people this is nothing, but for me it means more, maybe than it should.
This clutter and keeping of things I don’t currently use is swallowed up by the pressure not to spend money on it again if I get rid of it now. What if I need it later. We don’t make enough money to buy it again later if I get rid of it now just because I am not using it right now.
What does all this mean to my point of de-cluttering? What this means is that at 38 I am still finding my voice. Looking for the balance of when to speak up and when to let it go. Some things are bigger than others. Some things just annoy me, some things I have to decide whether to live with them or not.
Back to the de-cluttering. Yes, that really is what all this is about. A few years ago I “discovered” the FlyLady. I was almost in love. I liked so much of what she said about de-cluttering the stuff from our homes. I had tried for years to get my family to understand that I wanted the stacks of stuff to be gone; my kitchen counters are for cooking, not stacking junk that should go in the trash or never come in the house to begin with. I love so many of her de-cluttering rules:
What to declutter? Things to ask yourself as you get rid of your clutter:
- Do I love this item?
- Have I used it in the past year?
- Is it really garbage?
- Do I have another one that is better?
- Should I really keep two?
- Does it have sentimental value that causes me to love it?
- Or does it give me guilt and make me sad when I see the item?
Cleanse this room of everything that does not make you SMILE.
Some things about her total system just don’t work for me. But I weaned things from it that did work and while I can do most of those things I still can not get my family to take part. This means there is still a lot of clutter. I came across the Joys system about two years ago and on that site it has some helpful hints for getting your life de-clutterd and staying de-cluttered:
The Secret to Control Your Clutter.
USE It, NEED It or TOSS It, Unless It Makes You Smile.
That’s it. USE it, NEED it or TOSS it, unless it makes you smile is the secret to clutter control. It’s JOYS thinking.
Do you see the similarities? If you search for other systems and read through books to help you get that momentum, they all say that same basic point: does it make you smile?
Now I have kept a lot of things in my life that I wish I do not have around because I have been more afraid of hurting someone’s feeling for not keeping an item than for getting rid of it as it sits unused and takes up space. For example: a birthday present that didn’t fit, but was gifted from somewhere that I can not exchange it. So there it hangs in the closet, unworn. Or a piece of costume jewelry that I don’t like and would never wear, but feel guilty for not wearing and there it sits taking up room on my dresser or in my drawer. I want to get rid of these things. I want to get them out of my house. I fell guilty for even thinking about getting rid of a gift. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t wear it. I don’t use it. I don’t like it. It is not ugly in my opinion, it just isn’t something I want to wear. It doesn’t even make me smile just because who may have given it to me. So why do I keep it?
Then there are the items that are given to us that are expected to be seen when the gift-giver comes by for a visit. So and so gave me a _____. I do not like that _____. I do not want to keep that _____. But I know the gift-giver would be terrible hurt if I did not keep that ____ and have out when they come to visit. So what to do, because I really don’t even want to put it out at all. And I really wish I could show you a picture of it, but I must refrain.
Then there are the larger situations of de-cluttering. What to do when we feel forced to use something we don’t like and can’t (financially) replace if we get rid of it. But there it sits, the big elephant in the middle of the room reminding me of the yuck that it represents. For example, I would be perfectly fine living without a couch. The couch is too small. The couch is not comfortable. The couch, I did not want, but now have. The couch I was not given a choice about. I want the couch we had before we moved. I want the couch we had that was bigger. I want the couch that was more comfortable. I want the couch that I could clean. I want the couch that we had to leave in Hattiesburg. Every time I look at the couch we have now I think about the situation that brought this couch to us. I think about all the cheap attitudes and the fact that my couch wouldn’t fit on the truck because we had to move ourselves. I think about the fact that I had to leave a lot of stuff behind that I need and used and liked. I think about the the things I can not replace that I had to leave behind. All of that and more because of a stupid couch. It is what it represents to me. I know it is just a couch. I tell myself this. It is a material thing. It has no feelings. It has no brain. It does not matter. But what if was my grandmother’s silver and it was stolen? Then the opposite takes hold. It was just silver, but it had sentimental meaning and the loss of it hurts, just as having it brought joy. As humans we do this, we assign seemingly limitless value, worth, thought, and feelings to the representation of objects that truly have none of their own.
So my dear Readers and NaBloPoMo visitors, what do you do in these situations? What do you do with those gifts that don’t fit and you can’t return? What do you do with those gifts you don’t want to keep but guilt makes you think you need to? When do you speak up and when do you shut up? What do you do with those elephants in the room?
I would love to go through our house and get rid of everything that isn’t used or doesn’t make at least one person happy. Although I whine a lot about it, I ignore my husband’s inability to throw things away and just step over his piles. As for the elephant in the room, we are a happy family in spite of whatever problems life gives us about everything except one giant elephant that he is unable to see. I want to know if you have changed your guests first policy now that you realize you matter too.
Cathy’s last blog post..NaBloPoMo find of the day
[...] I need to post more frequently. I do it to find new blogs. Today, I found a beautiful post on Smock Lady’s site. I want my husband to read her words about “stuff” and I am mulling her words as I [...]
MK: What to do with clutter? Re-gift it (might be difficult with a table that heavy! ;) ), e-bay/garage sale it, toss it, or stuff it in “the closet.” When “the closet” overflows, it’s time for a garage sale. For things that expect to be seen, hope the seer doesn’t notice. Or, if you prefer, drop it before tossing it and tell them it broke.
Chuck: If the gift is from someone who TRULY loves you, then they care more about your happiness than the gift. Sell it, re-gift, whatever, but once they gave the gift, IT IS YOURS to do with as you please. It is a sort of sinful pride that people are taking in their gift if they are disappointed if they don’t see it out or being used.
My grandmother used to give us these mega-huge tins of flavored popcorn. Okay, I like popcorn, but 95% of that tin was tossed in the garbage. But I love my grandmother and I knew she was trying to make me happy. Stuffing myself sick with popcorn would not make me happy.
Cathy - Yes, yes, the piles of paper and stacks of notes, and . . .
Guest policy: well as adults we don’t have the guest first issues that existed when I was a child. If it’s a game, we just follow the rules. Simple enough. And with six children and their friends I just make it clear that the friends have to follow our house rules too and if they can not then they go home. The Golden rule pretty much covers most the child’s play around here.
MK - the table? We love it. We were surprised when it showed up and we weren’t prepared for it and I *ahem, clears throat* didn’t get to choose the dye color that is not there ;), but we are thrilled to have it. And it is going nowhere. Well, it is in the garage now and will make it in sometime, when we figure a few things out.
Dropping? some things don’t break when they get dropped and it is really sad when your 12 year old says in a whsiper, “you aren’t really gonna keep that are you?”
Chuck - POPCORN!
Believe me, I know. I have a couch that is not only a hand-me-down but a hand-me-down-hand-me-down. I thought that I HAD to take it because they were doing us such a favor. Everytime you sit on it crazy junk pops up- lost socks, gum wrappers, etc. When you get up, the cushions look fine. SO, when I clean, I think the couch looks great, then a guest says, “Ooh, what is this, Ashley?” The pillows and fabric bleed no matter how often you clean them. But, hey, I have a couch! I can sit down. I want a beautiful taupe microsuede chair-and-a-half and loveseat. I almost hate the people that have new furniture. But my lot is having this crappy old breaking apart couch. Hey, my parents gave you their hand-me-downs! I didn’t even get their leftovers! Our financial situation is SOOOO depressing! I long for it to even be where it was when we first got married, but it isn’t. Ed is looking at different options and I am trying hard to be the happy, frugal homemaker. I am much better at the screaming, discontent homemaker. BUT, that is NOT my lot. SO, I look. I look at this hated couch, my jalopy of a car, and I sigh. I know that the feet and hands and hearts and souls of this house are what matters- not just to me, but to the universe, the Lord. I want to puke at our poverty, but I want to puke at my materialism even more. I am with you. I know that I shouldn’t care, but still I do. I know that it isn’t what matters, but it hangs me up. I want to want less, I want to be more.
Ashley - let’s both throw our couches out and do a happy naked dance that there will be now more socks hiding in the cushions. I like micro-suede, but I want a ping-pong table. LOL. My couch issues are not really with the couch, that is my point. Oh, misery loves company; I need a stiff drink, you busy? I’m fighting depression, but right now I just want to walk through my house and stop tripping over stuff. With this clutter, I can’t breathe or think clearly. I love that others want to share with us, but I feel like I have to take it some times. I was gone one day after we moved and when I came back it was here and I was out looking at used items when I was out. I don’t have to have new.
What a brave post! I love The Flylady, too, by the way.
I found your blog via NaBloPoMo’s Commenting Challenge –
Keetha’s last blog post..November! Hi!
Wow I could’ve written your post about how to be a guest and how to treat a guest. Like you I learned that I didn’t matter and the result was that I was bullied by my passive-aggressive Mother in Law for 15 years. I’m still learning who I am and what I like and dislike. My husband decided to cut his mother out of our lives so I was able to have a huge clear out of all the PA presents she had given me over the years. I discovered 3 cake plates (of jumble sale quality) which she had given me knowing that I didn’t bake cakes as hubby needed to lose weight. There were things which had been in the back of cupboards for years which suddenly went into boxes for a charity shop. She never wanted to get to know me, so she only gave me presents she thought ok for a daughter-in-law shaped person (if you know what I mean) so boy did it feel good to cleanse the house of her presents/presence. William Morris said “have nothing which you do not believe to be beautiful or know to be useful”.
I’d add if a person is expecting to see evidence of themselves in your life, it says more about that person than their feelings for you. When you care about someone it is enough for you to know that you have given them something. It is selfish to want to see that same something each time you visit. Perhpas some things could be “lost” in your move and given to a charity shop so someone who likes them can have them?
Melanie’s last blog post..Wreath Bag Cat Cardi
I am desperatley trying to declutter. My mind is so cluttered right now. When my house is decluttered, my mind feels more at ease. Not sure if the two actually go hand in hand, but it feels that way.
My husband refuses to get rid of stuff and it absolutely makes me crazy. It would be different if he put things somewhere in a neat manner, but he stacks things wher *I* have to clean the dust off of and move around. *cringe*
MMM’s last blog post..Unhappy
I so hear you on the clutter. I am terrible about not being able to let things go, not feeling able even to MOVE stuff sometimes… I feel bad for my husband who loves to declutter. Even though I know, from experience even!, how much better I feel after a good purge. I am starting to be a lot more ruthless about getting rid of stuff, at least in some areas. It helps me so much to think of some of the real treasures I’ve found at thrift stores, and to think of donating stuff so that others can have that same experience. I tell myself, when I have the urge to save something “perfectly good” for “later” - that it’s wasted if it just sits in my closet and gets no use. Part of it is learning to trust that, even if I give something away now, the Lord will provide, one way or another, if I need something similar later.
And gifts — I am developing the skill of getting RID of it, as quickly as possible sometimes so I don’t have the chance to form an attachment. And I try to be much pickier about what I give to other people, so as not to clutter their houses up.
falwyn’s last blog post..Yes, thank you, I know.
Keetha - thanks for stopping by.
Melanie - wow, I feel for you. I’ve never heard that quote before. I’m going to add that to my quote rotator.
MMM - you’ve got a lot going on right now and you just need to breathe and try to relax; go get a coffee if you can’t relax at home right now.
falwyn - clutter, clutter, clutter, and saving - ugh. I’m tired of saving certain things. And the gifts? I try to think through what I give too. If you ever have too many Gumballs cluttering your area I’m sure one of them would be happy to live at my house on my desk with my other little Gumballians (and friends). ;)
Thank you so much for this post. I feel the same way you do about a lot of thing. Yes, my mother told me guest were special and then she told me when I was the guest to honer the hostess. I never could figure out why I wasn’t special.
And about you couch. I remember when we had only been married a couple of years his step-grandmother wanted to trade us her queen size bed for our full sized bed. Her bed was lumpy and old and I hated it. Then she wanted to trade our small new upright freezer that she had given us for her larger crappy rusted freezer. I was glad when that wouldn’t fit on the moving truck.
I especially resent leaving Hattiesburg. I could never say it out loud or write it down for fear someone would read it. But I think it will be safe here. My favorite husband transferred to get away form his jerk boss, We’ve move twice since then and we have be come poorer and poorer with every move. I wish we’d never left Hattiesburg. I had a cute house in the avenues. I loved it and now we can hardly pay the rent. Yes, I think we made a mistake and I can’t say that because as my FIL says “that was the best move you made…O’Charley shouldn’t have done you that way yadda yadda…” I don’t care.
I feel your pain and I wish you luck with your decluttering.
m~’s last blog post..It must be a guy thing