Today has been slow and down a bit
Today it has hit me a little about what is happening. I’m trying to stay very upbeat and positive and I’m praying constantly. It just really hit me today: -I may have to be cut wide open - my baby could get big enough to put too much pressure on the placenta/cervix and I could start bleeding and the baby and I would both be in jeopardy. We already know he’s a bit of a big boy. As the day goes on I can feel the weight and pressure as I get tired and then I get a little scared and wonder, “Have I been up too much? Is he pushing down on the placenta too much?” Today I’ve been able to feel the heaviness of the baby and of the weight of this situation on my shoulders. I’ve got loads to do and I’m almost out of time; I’ll be sent to bed after the next appointment if the placenta hasn’t moved. I really don’t have time for that. I know, I know. I do too have time to make sure my baby is OK and I will do what it takes - no questions asked.
Then all the technicalities of it sink in: I have five other children to care for, three of whom need schooling and one of whom needs to keep up her PT and OT appointments, another who will snuggle next to me in bed with his Rescue Heroes or his dinosaurs or his Legos and be quite happy to be there with me. I can’t school them without my computer - everything’s in my computer - their lessons, their records, some of their curriculum. My laptop died and I can’t stay in the bed with some ginormous desktop, keyboard, and screen on the bed with me. I’ve been hoping maybe I’d win the lottery and the laptop I want will land in my lap, but I know that’s a long shot. Shoot - we all know that’s not gonna happen. Maybe if I had one of those Easy buttons from Staples I could get one to fall in my lap like all those people up in that tree. Without my computer I’d be cut off from the world, at least that’s what it would feel like. I research on line, I shop (when necessary) on line, I blog and e-mail on line and that keeps me sane. The thought of being in bed with no strings to the computer and no way to the Internet makes me almost insane. I guess I still have an umbilicus to my computer - it’s my lifeline and I need it.
Tomorrow I need to take at least two of my girls shopping for some clothes, but I’m actually a bit afraid to go to a bunch of walking. And since there is nowhere in this town to do any clothes shopping I need to drive either 40 minutes in the opposite direction of the town that has my doctor, but has a mall. Or I can drive 60ish miles to the same town that has my doctor and the better places to shop (for saving $$) and possibly wear myself out with all the walking because the place is so big. Hmm? I’m wearing out faster these days which is par for the course of pregnancy, but it worries me when I get that tired because of the placenta previa and the stress on the baby and all. If all was well I wouldn’t give much thought at all to being tired or worn out. I’d just push on through like I have with the others. I don’t even pick up CowBoy anymore for fear of the extra weight and stress.
I know I’m rambling and I need to go do something productive, so I’ll go to bed, put my feet up and knit a baby sweater or smock one of the dresses I have sitting here for the girls.
p.s. don’t forget to add your guesses to the baby pool - check out the bottom of post.
Argh. I know you know that God is control. He knows all that you are “supposed” to be doing. It doesn’t help particularly but He knows. That said, you already know that some things won’t get done. I wish things were different for you and you had a base of support to help with these things. I live about 2,400 or so miles from my parents and extended family so I know what it is like. I hope your placenta just gets moving! :-)