The Bare Neccessities of Life Will Come to You
They’ll come to you.
Are you singing yet? It’s a strange title for this post, but it’s simplicity rings true.
You know it so strange where my thoughts have been going these days. I have been trying to write this post for three days but my thoughts to words are not clear like I want them to be. I am going to give it a go anyway and pray I make sense here. I expect this one will have some serious length, so get a cup of coffee, or Dr. P., or that Sonic Cherry Coke (might I suggest a Route 44) and settle in.
I am human, just like every one else. I have my faults, and many of them. I have my strengths, few and far between, but each day my weaknesses are challenged and my strengths are made new. And I seem to daily learn new weaknesses and strengths I have. Lately I have had a good many trust issues. Not with those around me or myself, but with God. Yep, with God. There is something going on inside me that I can not express clearly about this. I am not even sure I should try because of the history I would have to tell to explain it all. But I find I must do my best to explain the difference in trust and faith. They are different. And my faith has not faltered.
Hebrews 11:1-3
Faith is the assurance of things hoped for; the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendations. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.
Trust:
- having confidence in
- allow without fear
- the trait of believing in the honesty and reliability of others
- certainty based on past experience
The Bible doesn’t give a definition of trust like it does of faith, yet it uses the word trust/trusts all over the Bible, particularly in The Psalms. For some time now (most of the summer) I have been pouring over the Psalms, absorbing them like a sponge absorbs water. Usually, reading and studying the Psalms brings peace to me, brings me back to center, makes the storms seem so small. Lately, it is only serving to break my heart and make me angry. I am not so sure yet if these heartbreaks are a means to a better end. I do not yet see it that way, though I am trying and praying and leaving my heart open to that. Wondering and looking forward to the end of this pruning session, yet so afraid of what else is in store for me.
The anger I fight is that of the angry mama bear wanting the pain and suffering for her children to end. The anger I fight is that of confusion and fear. I find myself totally confused over what seems to be the answer to prayers of weeping and wailing, my knees aching and my arms heavy and tired, begging for God to carry the weight and take the anvil off my chest so I can breathe only to get up for a breath of air and be knocked down further. I must not be learning what He wants me to learn. I beg Him to make it clear, at least to show me a hint of the lesson that is before me. I think He answers. I am wrong. I beg for Him to show me something, no matter how small that He is still with me, that He has not left my side, that I am not wandering the dark forest alone. I beg Him. A flicker of Hope and then it is gone.
See, I grew up not trusting anyone. Like the definition says, “certainty based on past experience” and “believing in the honesty and reliability of others.” Trusting my family is not something I could do; I learned the hard way. I would love to get so much of that of my chest and have you understand what I mean. To this day I hold secrets that I can’t share. I just can’t hurt my family like that. My husband was hurt by these secrets. My children were hurt by these secrets. Ultimately, my sister, brother, and parents were hurt by these secrets I hold. These secrets are not mine. These secrets are theirs. I do not hold these secrets to harm them. I hold these secrets because I was asked not to tell. And these secrets are not mine to tell.
I could have told. I wish I could. I think about it sometimes, telling, so I don’t have to be the secret-keeper anymore. But then I would have to live with the destruction it would cause. I don’t know which is worse. Choices were made and I was made the sacrificial goat. None of them would admit that because they all seem to be hiding something from the others. I have been the victim of violent and non-violent acts (yes, crimes) as a result of these secrets, as a result of keeping their secrets, because it is not my place to tell.
I have physical scars that serve as reminders. Sometimes they fester. Then I remember. But I move on because I can not feel the pain anymore. It is normal now. I have emotional scars that I fight often. They take the longest to heal. Many of the emotional scars are so built up now that they are like emotional callouses, protecting my heart from any more blistering. Some of these callouses have been building since I was in elementary school. Others are fresher, newer, and I find myself always seeking approval and the deep desire to be understood. I break out in hives when there is a misunderstanding, of any kind. I get sick to my stomach if some one thinks I have done something I know I haven’t. Even if I can see the other person’s point of view because of the information they have (right or wrong), I still get sick. I grew up in a life of lies and gossip and no benefit of any kind. So this need for truth, and others to see the truth or at least the whole picture, takes over my body.
I can not stand lies.
I hate secrets.
But God. He’s different. He does not lie. He cares. He is trustworthy. But I have trouble with this. I know I have made mistakes. I know I have made some huge mistakes in my life. I know that I am not trustworthy in God’s eyes. I am not worthy at all. Yet He chose me and He trusts me. He saw fit to have me as His own. He has blessed me with so much. I have lost much, been given so much more. I know He cares for me. I know not why He allowed my family to be torn from me. I sometimes pray for healing there, but on a human level I do not know that I will ever trust them again. I pray for understanding. I may never get that understanding.
Do Not Be Anxious
Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
This lesson I have learned. We are not in a position to put away any thing for our future, every mite is needed for now. Being faithful to what we have, taking care of right now and the ones we have been charged with is all we can do. I do worry about how it will be in future years, especially with our special needs child, but it is not mine to worry anymore. I have learned this lesson well. I have learned this lesson long. I have seen that we are to do what we can. God himself has seen fit to allow us only what we have. God himself has seen fit get us through day by day. We do what we can. We work hard. We succeed some times and we fail often. We survive. I once lost sleep and health over worrying. I don’t so much anymore, mostly, anyway. I have experienced His care for me in my life and my family more times than I care to have needed. I still pray daily that He will one day allow us to be in the position to be the ones to care for others the way He has placed other before us. I want my children to experience giving on that level while they are still young.
Ask, and It Will Be Given
This is where I fail all the time. This is what I have a hard time understanding. It is foreign to me.
Matthew 7:7-11
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone: Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent: If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
Now, I’m not so shallow as to think He is talking about the “Christmas list” prayers we all tend to fall into at times. This is not about wealth and getting “our heart’s desire” - that shiny new car (or just one that works) or that new pair of shoes (desired or needed). That is not even the hard part for me. The hard part here for me is seeing God as my Father. My life’s experiences would rather me not see God as my Father, yet what I desire most is to feel My Father’s arms around me, to be held and comforted by Him and to know it well. I don’t know how to let Him do that. It’s that human trust thing - it keeps getting in my way.
I don’t know how to repsond to this post because I have so many issues, too…..I know that God loves me and His best is THE best, but I am always wondering what that is. I wonder what He has in store for me. I always fear what is right around the corner because of the past (and some things that are presently happening). Faith, I have…..um……I need to work on trust and letting go. That is hard to admit. I have been struggling with this for a while now. Let’s pray for each other! :)
I am so sorry for the burden that you carry with you. I know that God loves you, just as he loves all of His children. I have issues too. I’m afraid to even ask because I don’t think I’m deserving. I appreciate your sharing. It’s good to know I’m not alone.