On my heart
I wrote a few days ago about being broken emotionally. About the fear and panic taking over. That is better, mostly. But I realize I am changed forever. I haven’t asked why or why me during this. I do not really desire to struggle with that. Maybe that is because I have struggled and lost so much in this world already that I realize I have already learned that answer - if God wants me to know then He will share it with me. Maybe it is because I am already so broken that I just do not care. That scares me.
This is not to say that I am spiritually mature or ‘better than’ those who ask that. Maybe I am still numb. Maybe it will come. Maybe it has not happened yet - the need to scream that out at God. That thought frightens me a bit. I am not sure which of those thoughts frightens me more: the one that it has not happened yet or the one where I need to scream out at God.
Sometimes I still have to remind myself to breathe and remember how. It seems like the world is spinning past me, moving on and I am stuck swimming through molasses trying so hard to catch up and I can not. I know that anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sadness, but it will drain strength from today. I am trying to let go as He tells me to do.
I know time has passed. I am not standing still. I know that this is not a nightmare from which I will awaken. I am pressing on. Or, honestly, I am trying to press on.
So many of you have been praying for us. I can not thank you enough. Charles Spurgeon said,
No one can do me a greater kindness in this world than to pray for me.
Some of you have sent private emails, snail mails, or thoughtful gifts for us to remember or Sweet Love and give us something to hold onto. These thoughts and gifts have not gone unnoticed. It has been hard to respond to them individually, but I will. Thank you does not seem to be enough, but it is all I have right now.
As I said earlier I have been changed forever by this. I do not want this blog to become a sad place or a place that is only about our loss. Our lives have gone on. I have six other children. I have a wonderful husband. We have schooling to get done and special ed to figure out. We still have a non-working car in the driveway and laundry to get done. There are cookies to make and eat. There are still snuggles to snatch and toes to tickle. There is still laughter to breathe in and rejoice in its sound. I am trying to find a balance in it all. We have some decision to make and the thoughts they bring are hard so I know this is not “over.” I also know that this will never be over.
I am currently struggling with the physical brokenness and what that means for our future. Was this our last child? Is this how God would have our family finalized. Seven is the perfect number. Seven is the number of completion. Seven is the number of children I believed all my life I would have. Will He bless us with another to have seven on earth? Will we have two more? Three? Is my body too broken to grow another child? Is it fair to even try? Should we make a permanent decision? Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Will it happen again? And with that thought I forget to breathe.
I remember in February of ‘06 begging God for one more. Begging for Him to stop the early changes that were taking affect. I remember how 11 months later He gave Bairno into our lives, here at home, and spared my life with his. Will it happen again? And with that thought I forget to breathe. Is my body broken forever in this fallen world? Yes. Will He heal it and answer our prayers? Yes. But that answer we do not know. Or do we? Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10. That is my biggest struggle right now - letting God be enough.
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I think it was also Charles Spurgeon who said (my bible college days are on my mind lately, I can not believe I remember these quotes after 20 years):
Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on stone.
Our Sweet Love will forever be carved on my heart and those of you who have reached out to us will forever be carved on my heart as well. Thank you.
I can truly relate to the part that freaks you out: will it happen again. When I almost lost my son a month and a half ago, that was what would send me into the ‘molasses’ and the fear was overwhelming.
I’m praying. Truly. Every day I read your blog hoping to hear you are doing better. But don’t rush it. or it won’t last,