Heartache

We have had a really rough couple of days here yesterday and today. I was busy enjoying some chat time in the conference room of the HOTM online conference yesterday morning when my coffee kicked my bladder in to full gear. I went to the bathroom and discovered that there were possible problems with the pregnancy – I was bleeding. Not much, but any during a pregnancy is not good.

I got on the phone to make an appointment to see a doctor asap. As I tried to get in to office after office I was met with the same responses after explaining my situation: Have you seen a doctor yet? No, appointments were made, but not yet met on the calendar. Okay, so let’s see what we can do to get you in today? Thank you. How about this afternoon at 1:45? We’ll get you right on back and the doctor will probably want to do some blood work and as is his practice in situations like this he will do an ultrasound to check things out. That’s fine. I’ll be there. While we have you on the phone let’s speed things up a bit for the office processing and go ahead an get your insurance information in the computer. Who’s your insurance provider? I don’t have private insurance so I’ll be using the LA Moms program. OH, well we can’t see you here then. You need to go to the emergency room and find another doctor to go to the health department. We are not taking any more Medicaid patients. So who do you recommend? The Yellow Pages or the health department where our doctors do rotations once a month. Thank you for your kind voice and attitude toward me while you thought I had private insurance and maybe you should check your attitude and uppity ways at the door before you treat those of us without private insurance like less than human and not worthy of your time.

Why is it that as soon as I told them that I would be using medicaid there voice became almost hateful with sounds of disgust to be talking to me. They sounded as if they couldn’t wait to get off the phone with me. We’ve seen this time and time again with our children as well. Times they’ve had to go to the ER we’ve been treated poorly in comparison to others and other people’s children. We are NOT less worthy than those other people! And my baby is NOT less special than anyone else’s baby or needs.

So after SmockDaddy got home and we talked a bit about what to do and where to go we decided we were not going to be treated that way. We are not going to let our baby be treated that way. It’s not our fault we do not have insurance! Don’t even get me started on that issue right now. Because my words will not be kind. We decided to call back to the office of my choice and take the appointment offered with the doctor I liked and just pay out of pocket. The attitudes changed once again to the kind caring medical field who wanted to help make sure everything was fine or at least help me through a negative result.

I’m not ready to talk about the results. To be honest I may not ever be ready. There is a lot of physical pain and emotional pain and much confusion going on right now. The results are confusing and complicated and contradictory at best right now. I’m in a fog. Life feels very surreal right now. Nightmarish.

We covet your prayers and God’s healing.