Harry’s Birth, Part II - the Aftermath

Bairno’s Birth - read first.

I don’t like how I titled this, but I figured for continuity I would leave it that way. I need to separate out this part of the homebirth for my own emotional needs. For me, it’s two different situations - the labor/birth then the aftermath. Any woman coming here to read this who is pregnant or plans to be, please think twice before you read this. This is not meant to frighten, scare, or turn anyone away from a homebirth. I wish more of mine had been more like the birth of Bairno (minus this Part II). There is not much emotion in this account. Mostly facts. It’s still too fresh and painful. Don’t be surprised if at some point this post disappears.

After Bairno was born, the cord was cut, and it was time to move from the tub to the bed things seemed to be just fine. I, as I expected, was rather cold standing up from the nice warm tub. (As a very cold-natured individual, I always get cold getting out of the shower or tub.) I stood up, turned on the warm water and the massaging shower head. I used it to rinse off from the ‘placenta soup’ of Bairno’s birth and then I got out. As SmockDaddy carried Bairno to the bedroom I walked to the bed and the midwives had prepared the bed for me (with the bed pads and stuff) and I just wanted to get under the covers to get warm and hold my little Bairno and nurse him. The midwife was concerned that I was cold, but I tried to tell her I was just cold from getting out of the warm bath and that I would start shaking soon too - I had done this after the birth of each of the children so it’s what I expected. I passed the necessary and expected clots from my uterus and with each postpartum contraction I had as Bairno nursed, I passed another one. All was good as long as they were the standard clots of childbirth. But soon, even though my uterus was hard, I was just passing blood - no clots. I kept getting colder and more tired as time passed. I decided I just wanted to sleep, but I was too cold to sleep. I completely saturated three of those bed-pads with blood (not clots) and I was getting weaker and paler by the minute. This was happening over a period of a few hours. Somewhere around four o’clock the midwife wanted me to get up and try to empty my bladder so the pressure would be released from my uterus. I tried to get up and immediately fell back down to prevent passing out. It was at that point I got scared. I knew I was weaker than I should be. I saw myself in the mirror and was scared by the lack of color in my face. I was then scared to close my eyes to go to sleep. It was around this time that we began discussing the probability that we might need to go to the hospital for fluids and maybe a blood transfusion. The midwife gave me some herbs to hold under my tongue to slow the bleeding down and promote the clotting again. It was at this point I told SmockDaddy to make a few calls and put the church on a prayer watch. During this whole time my blood pressure was dropping and my pulse was rising.

I was scared. At some point it took them a while to find my pulse and I had begun hearing a slow and sluggish sound in my head - whoosh, whoosh, whoosh; I had trouble getting deep breaths - I felt like I was running a marathon. I was tired. I wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep. But I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to open my eyes again. I wanted to blink. But I was afraid I wouldn’t have the strength to open my eyes from a simple blink. I was still hearing a very sluggish whoosh, whoosh sound in between my ears. I could think straight, but I could no longer get out the words I wanted to speak. I couldn’t make my tongue work right. The words would not come out. I wanted to say that I was scared, but I didn’t want SmockDaddy to know how scared I was. I thought my husband was going to lose his wife and I was going to leave my children motherless. I was so weak. The sound in my head was getting louder and slower. I was getting colder and weaker. I couldn’t talk. My vision was getting strange - It was a lot like when I’ve had a migraine, somewhat tunnel vision. I couldn’t focus on anyone’s entire face, but just one eye or their mouth when they spoke to me. And still that whoosh, whoosh in my ears. By this time (I have no idea of the true time) I had soaked three more bed pads completely in blood, but it seemed to be stopping and I passed a few more clots. This was a good sign, but all I could think about was how scared I was.

I wondered why was this happening. I wondered what I had done to cause this. I wondered why God would give me such a beautiful, perfect baby - after all we had prayed for this - and then take me from him. I wondered why would he leave my husband to raise them all by himself. I prayed that he would not do this. I prayed that he would make the bleeding stop. I prayed for him to let me stay here and raise these children and continue to love my husband. I prayed for my fear. I prayed for my children should He decide to take me away from here. I wanted to ask them to go ahead and call 9-1-1, but I couldn’t get the words out.

Finally, my blood pressure started to rise again to a more normal level and my pulse was returning to normal as well. I was beginning to be able to talk a little better and the bleeding had stopped (or at least returned to a normal state of postpartum level). I was getting hungry. I was very thirsty. Twice, during my two weakest moments, and the two times I had some pretty massive blood flow, Bairno, who was in the crook of my arm, screamed out as if he needed something. I instinctively put him to my breast and he latched on and nursed so strongly; his nursing caused me to pass some very large clots that had been ‘in the way’. At both of these times I had some moments of ‘clarity’ and strength. The second time seemed to be a turning point - I knew I was going to get better, but I was still scared. What about the next two weeks of postpartum concern? How long was it going to take me to get my strength back? I give blood all the time and they like my blood; they call me to come in and give them my blood. I’d never been weak from giving blood before. How much blood had I lost? All these questions and concerns and all I needed to do was get past those moments. I needed to get through the night. I wasn’t allowed to get up for 24 hours unless I had to use the bathroom and then I had to promise not to go by myself. I was still too weak and could hemorrhage some more. I assured everyone that getting up was not in my plan; I was too tired.

SmockDaddy fixed me some spinach and later a peanut butter sandwich and some juice. I drank 5,000 gallons of water that night. And thank God for friends we could call to go buy me some Depends underwear to wear that night and the next for the bleeding. UM, diapers - so NOT comfortable, but better than messing up my bed and my clothing. ;) Those same wonderful friends bought the children some pizza and stayed with them for a bit while the reverend and the midwives finally got me up to the bathroom and back to bed. The decision was finally made to just get me in there and back to bed even if it meant they had to carry me. We did it and while I felt like passing out, I didn’t.

By nightfall I was decidedly tired enough to go to sleep, but still scared to do so. The reverend and I prayed; I prayed myself to sleep, holding my wee babe. I woke to nurse him and thanked God that I could do so. I don’t think SmockDaddy slept one wink that night for fear I might not wake up. Sunday was a beautiful day. And each day since has been better and more beautiful.

There will be no more children for us. Our Bairno is the perfect caboose. God has blessed me beyond measure. He has given us six beautiful children. He answered my prayer to have this little boy. I stayed very sick throughout this pregnancy, never having experienced that before. It put a great amount of stress on SmockDaddy. I hemorrhaged and lost a great amount of blood. I am now weak. I am very tired. I am so grateful for this last great opportunity to love another child and welcome him into our family. we do not want to chance anything like this ever happening again. It was too scary and too close to what felt like an end. I believe my uterus has ‘been used up’. I am not even sure it will totally heal from this birth. I am still experiencing some things that make me wonder if it will end up being removed shortly. But I’m too tired and don’t know about recovery from that if we do it too soon. I have just experienced the most perfect labor and birth a mother could have. If something slips through before we’ve had an opportunity to finalize these decisions, I am quite sure we will opt for a scheduled and slightly early C-section to prevent any repeat of the aftermath.

I would encourage any woman wanting to have a home birth not to shy away from it because of something she has read here. And the water birth was incredible; it was amazing. Water truly is “nature’s epidural”. My situation is unique and one that has turned out fine. I am weak, but we are healthy. My baby was never in danger. His birth was perfect. He is perfect. I am 37 years old. I have had six children.

Tagged as: baby, Bairno, birth, birth story, pregnant, TMI