These last few weeks have been some tough ones in every sense of the word. I do not like SmockDaddy working this second job as we do not have any family time anymore. I hate it. Absolutely despise it. I do not like that the day starts at 5:00am and does not end until sometime close to midnight. I do not like that I still have too much day left at the end of the day and have to start the next day with a deficit. It just is not getting all done. I am thinking the children are gonna get screwed yet again with this 2nd job crap and have to get put in the public school again. I hate that. I know they do not want that - to go to school again, especially in the middle of the year (or before). But I do not think that would really help.
It is taking a serious toll on us all as a family. This second job is not an option. He is not doing it to get ahead - I wish he were. It is not just this economy either. I am not sure we could eat without the second job but all the priorities we have (and are getting behind on) are wearing us out and down physically. We are tired all the time. My health is beginning to fail again. And every family knows that when mama goes down, then most else around starts to crumble too. This second job is causing many things at job #1 to get put on the back burner.1
We are considering cutting out Princerella’s therapy, again. That makes me angry. She needs it.
Our rent is at great risk of going up again. We do not have it. We will be without a home this time. I have been looking for something else for a while now. We are not in a position to buy. We will never be able to own again. I hate that for our children too. I am still very bitter about the circumstances that put us there. I am regretting that we did not sue the a$$ off the guy who screwed us over when we put up a contract on this house. We could have won; the law and situation were on our side.
The only houses I can find available for rent are:
- above our rent range (like this one has gotten to be) - this house in rent is already close to twice what we were paying in a monthly mortgage before we moved here. SmockDaddy is making less than he was before so this really hurts.
- too small and in a bad part of town
- too small means we don’t have room for me to school/house books - so they go to school
- bad part of town and we do not want them in school there.
- eight of us in a two bedroom apartment is not going to work.
I guess I should not be writing up a pity party, but I get angry when I can not buy the children shoes or food. I get angry when we have to cancel things that we should not have to cancel. We have had to cancel parties that were meant for the church, our children do not get to go to parties they are invited to because we can not give a gift (we just do not have it in the budget), my own children do not get parties because I can not afford to budget even the smallest of extras to have someone over for them. I cry every year at this time because if I do not start ordering Christmas gifts soon there will be nothing left (sold out everywhere). I beg and plead with God to provide for us at this time of year, each year something happens (here I go whining again) but it is always so close to Christmas we find ourselves buying them crap (because that is what is left) and not what they want because it is always so last minute.
We all want a place to grow our roots and feel like we belong. We are all so tired of living like this.
There are so many financial priorities right now I feel like I am drowning and I do not know what to do first.
We have a set of metal bunkbeds (hand me downs) the screws and the holes are stripped. We can not tighten them anymore. I am scared to have my boys on them; I fear that the top one is going to fall in on the bottom one. There is no way to replace those. And the room the boys are in is in need of bunkbeds; it is too small for any other option.
There is another set of wooden bunkbeds (9 years old) that is in need of replacing. The wood has been broken. I am so glad for side rails on bunkbeds. It broke protecting a child from falling. And one of the corner posts is splitting. And the girls room is not big enough for three twin beds (or a double and a twin). We thought about trying to get the girls one of those bunks with a double on the bottom and a twin on top. Princerella can not be on a top bunk and with some of her handicaps it is very hard for a sister to sleep with her. She is currently in a toddler bed. She is seven years old and six inches longer than the bed. We do not know what to do for her for a bed.
We had to throw out a dresser a few weeks ago. We had to throw out another dresser today. Technically it is not out the door yet, but it is broken and I do not know when we will be able to repair it - again with the cost of repair.
I worry about SmockDaddy and his level of burnout. I wonder daily how much longer it will take before he tells me he wants out of the ministry. Burnout.2 And then I worry even more, because this is where his heart and his training are. What else will he do. I know he has an undergrad and a Master’s in music too, but the arts are not doing any better right now either.
I do not expect life to be easy, but we feel like life is slipping away from us. I can no longer see my life in the future. I used to be able to think forward a few years and see us as grandparents enjoying grandchildren. Now I can hardly see past tomorrow. I can not even see myself making it to my 40th birthday, this coming March. I have panic attacks and asthma attacks. I can not sleep at night. When I do I have nightmares about my children growing up without me. My body hurts all the time. Things that used to make me laugh do not anymore. Everything has become such a chore and a burden. Life is a pointless chore now, a hard, boring, duty. Same thing day in and day out.
Life is passing us by and everyone and everything with it all the while our lives are moving backwards.
I will eventually fall asleep at some point during the night. I will wake up with at some point in a cold sweat. I will get up for another day. I will survive it. I will manage. I will fulfill my duties.
And maybe, just maybe, I will see things differently.
Tomorrow.
p.s. like the feature image caption says, “maybe I just need more of these.”
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve been there. I really, truly, have been where you are…broke, not sure how to feed my kids, how to keep the necessities going. It sucks. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
mamalang´s last blog post . . . A haunting good time
I’m so sorry. I will be praying for you.
I do not know what BCO is (possibly just thick), but I do know how you feel. Both the financial bit (though not present I really could never forget it) and just generally. Life as pointless chore - excellent description. I don’t know that it helps, but you’re certainly not alone. And I’m so sorry. You’re in my prayers.
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