Broken. Enough?
When fear and panic kick into overdrive
I mentioned before that I have been having trouble breathing and bordering on panic attacks again. I have been having nightmares since I lost the baby. I have been awakened numerous times with the fear of my dreams feeling so real. So real that I bolt out of bed to check on my children to make sure they are still breathing. To see or feel their chests rise and fall in that place of peaceful sleep.
I keep having nightmares of losing each one of our precious children. It has been happening nightly for a week now. I awake in a panic, not able to suck in enough breath, and my heart beating faster than I can count (a few times to the point of my chest hurting). Two times even needing to throw up from the fear and the pain, even the relief.
Last night Bairno fell off my bed. Head first. While I know he is little (20 months) he is still big enough to get down himself. He is quite good at turning around and sliding off on his tummy, feet first. I put him down on my bed to get him in his pajamas and when I turned around to open his dresser drawer, he leaned over to see his book that fell off the bed. His top heavy self just flipped right off. This was a first. When he stands next to my bed he is at least a foot taller than my bed, but that didn’t make for an easier head first crash to the floor. I did not know he was falling, but the timing of my turning back around from his dresser left me staring at a slow motion scene: my baby falling head first to the ground and then, because of the narrow space between the bed and dresser, his body twisting and contorting in a way I was horrified to witness. At first I was not sure whether I should let him get up or not.
His expression was hollow and a mix of white and blue coloring. I am quite sure he was terrified too. The color came back to his cheeks fast enough but his chin, mouth, and nose area kept this pale blue gray color for about ten minutes. He was crying and breathing and his eyes looked fine and he was clinging to me for dear life. Quick snuggling on the bed and his thumb in his mouth calmed him rather quickly, but not so much me. I was very unsettled for a very long time.
He belched a few times and that concerned me a bit (head injury + trowing up = not good). He never threw up and his head was fine. He fell asleep sooner than he usually does (head injuries should not go to sleep) at night and I could not let myself move him to his bed (in our room). I just wanted to watch and feel him breathe. I was very unsettled by the whole thing.
Usually I handle those things well. We have had some very bad head injuries in our house before (a few trips to the ER - we know what to look for, what’s not a good sign). I really did not want him to fall asleep, but I figured he really was okay and I needed to “get a grip.” I moved him to his bed after an hour or so and of course everything was fine. He is running around no worse for the wear today.
But me? I still find myself having trouble letting go. I guess the loss is still so fresh. I am finding that I am having a hard time looking at any of my family without fear creeping in - the fear that I could lose them at any minute. And in that moment I can not breathe. I can “snap out of it” mentally, but I am concerned that I am having this much trouble.
I am also struggling with the fact that while I know God is big enough for this, I am having trouble letting Him BE enough for this. It is not that simple. See, I have never been in this place before. I have lost before. I have struggled before. But not like this. I feel this from somewhere so deep within I did not know this place existed within me. I am turning to Him constantly. Falling to my knees (figuratively and literally) so hard and often that my knees should be shattered shards now, but this pain will not go away. I just want Him to take the pain away. I want to understand. Yet I know I was never promised I would. And then I worry: am I not broken enough? Have I not let go enough? How much more do I need to learn?
And then the panic and fear start all over again.
I am praying for you and your family. My daughter suffered a miscarriage on April 18th of this year and she still struggles at times with her loss. We just found out that Heather (my oldest daughter) is about 9 weeks pregnant and Stasha is horrified that something horrible will happen.
It is a constant battle to remind her that God had his hand in what happened and that he took her baby to Heaven for a reason that we can’t explain and will never be able to explain. It doesn’t make the pain of loss any easier but it does remind us daily that we have more to go to Heaven for than we’ve ever had before and we know that God will be waiting to introduce us to that precious little baby that we never got to know here on earth.
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Oh, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something that any of us could do to make it go away for you. I will pray some more.
This nightmare is common and normal, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I had the same type of dream from the time of my first miscarriage until SuperChic was born. That was a very long three years. Even now I have a feeling like I’m empty inside and something is missing sometimes.
Hold on to your family literally. Hugs, kisses and cuddles help.
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When I miscarried about eleven years ago, I spent hours just holding my 18-month-old, crying and rocking. Fortunately, she was very accommodating.
Some of my other children have scared me since, just like Bairno frightened you. I’m grateful to know that even if something terrible happens, I will be able to see them and be with them again some day.
It’s okay to mourn and take time to work through your feelings. I hope you can find the peace and comfort you seek.
My baby (whose five) fell head first off the monkey bars last weeken, and my heart literally stopped. I don’t even have the history and pain you are already experiencing, and that almost felled me. I really can not imagine your level of fear. I’m glad all seems okay, and it will get easier, but that doesn’t help now.
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Oh, I can feel your pain and it saddens me. I will keep you in my prayers. Remember God is with you.