A heavy heart
Not much of substance on here these days. While I have been busy with many things, I am really struggling with a few things I really want to write about. I am really trying to decide what to do with this blog. Basically, what it gets down to is whether or not I am brave enough to post here what I want to write. While I submit to the leadership and decision of the elders where we attend, I also know first hand the politics of the church in our denomination. Just because I have a brain and my own opinions and views and beliefs does not mean that my words are my husband’s words. Often that is the translation, at least in my experience. And I want a place to write these thoughts. A place where what I write will not affect my husband in anyway if read by someone that knows him/us.
I want a place to write about this crazy fishbowl psychology and lonely experience that it is. A glasshouse is one that can break easily.
Life as a pastor’s wife and living with the politics of being a pastor’s wife is heavy-laden. It has been expected of me to lead Bible studies or teach Sunday School or various other similar capacities. The assumption that because I am married to an ordained minister that I am automagically supposed to lead Bible studies or play the piano for the choir or teach Sunday School and so on is standard. In the past when SmockDaddy has interviewed for church jobs before one of the questions that has always been asked of me (and sometimes him for me) is, “What will you be doing for the church?” or “And at what capacity will you be working in the church?” I want to reply with: “If you want me to magically be all these things for you, give me a wand and I will get right on prestidigitating, because mercy me, there are quite a few things I’d like to change in this unchangeable reality.”
Seriously? Yes. It is times like those that I really have to bite my tongue. That is also usually the one question that makes many things clear to us as a couple about how well we would not fit in there. I know that the needs questions of the few are not always the needs questions of the many, but committees are mostly a good representation of the church as a whole as they have be chosen and voted on by the church members. Do not assume there is a standard set of gifts to be a pastor’s wife. Patience should be at the top of the list and it is one with which I am not so good. *breathe, Rae, breathe*
I want a place to write openly about my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, my decisions. A place where no one will throw in the assumption that because I may have a slightly different view than the PCA in general about one subject or another that does not mean I am speaking for anyone in my house or family than myself.
I get tired of the politics and there are many Sundays I just want to go to church and be at church and worship. I don’t want to be the pastor’s wife, I want to be me, Rae, child of God, wife, mother. For the most part where we are now, this is not a heavy battle, but it is not perfect. There is still judgment and a general lack of acceptance and inclusion. Life as a pastor’s wife is a lonely one. And secluded.
I know God gave us these brains and gave us the ability to think and discuss. There are as many different opinions as there are people in this world. We have a Book of Church Order. We have a Confession of Faith. We have a Catechism we study and use as a guide for teaching our young. God is not a God of chaos, He is a God of order and beauty. But I see, too often, church polity becoming of greater importance than Faith and the Bible. Far too often I see the Book of Church Order being placed on a much higher pedestal than the Bible when it comes to answering questions within our denomination. Sometimes even the Confession is turned to before the Bible.
While I think it is good to search God and know Him and be like Him. Discussions of supralapsarianism verses infralapsarianism views are extensions of knowing God. Discussions of Young Earth verses Old Earth began with the study of the Word and a desire to understand God and what He has created. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up scream “WHY THE HECK DOES THIS MATTER ANYWAY? IT DOESN’T! God can not be put in our humanly box of time. He is so much bigger than that and you are limiting Him by forcing these boxes and labels and descriptions upon His creation and His plan!”
What matters?
I’ll tell you what matters. It is that He was born in a humble stall, lived a life of humility, died on the cross for our sins, conquered death, and now reigns in heaven on high! Accept it or die. It is that simple. Period. End of discussion. But I won’t stop praying for you.
But to clarify, I don’t want to isolate anyone with what I want to write; there is no one I want to write about. I want to write about what is going on in me. It was over two years ago that I wrote about spanking and why I believe it is Biblically wrong. I have a follow up post that has been sitting in my draft box for a very long time. That post was very isolating for us. What I write may isolate us even more, but I need to write. I may write here, I may not. We’ll see. I am who I am and I prefer the transparency. If I were ‘just a church member’ I would not give any of this a second thought, I would just write.
My personal blog rules include never writing about work (I’ve noticed that is a great way to get fired or sued) and I’m not sure how I’d approach my “nothing about work” rule if my work was tied to my faith. I’d guess that the line for you between work and non-work is blurry. The few pastor’s wives I’ve known have been very much a part of the church community – I’d even say they acted as an extension of their pastor husbands in many aspects. I’m torn between wanting to tell you this is your blog and you should write what you want to and advising caution due to your husband’s profession. Can you password protect certain posts?
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wow…so sorry. i want to hear it all, though! email and vent if you must ;) i can tell you about my many diff churches/denominations i attended as a child, and how i came to the church that i’m at. 98% of my friends are the denomination i grew up in. i am no longer.
“What matters?
I’ll tell you what matters. It is that He was born in a humble stall, lived a life of humility, died on the cross for our sins, conquered death, and now reigns in heaven on high! Accept it or die. It is that simple. Period. End of discussion. But I won’t stop praying for you.”
AMEN!
wowwwwwww.
I remember your strong faith even as a teenager in highschool..I have seen a lot of what you are talking about in our last church with the committees and groups, etc… I ran security for our church and saw the politics in action… I never understood that… its almost like everyone was trying to demonstrate how hard they were working for God.
I say write sister write…do not be put into a box by anyone because life is short and at the end of the day no one can touch you or your family unless God allows them to.
If its that hard for you, I wonder how hard it must be for your husband. I am reading a book called Men in Mid Life Crisis written by a pastor who went through one and desribed heavily the focus on his church duties and the stress, and the neediness of his congregation and the hours he put in, and the effect on his relationship with his spouse… I just never heard a pastor open up about the stress of leading a church.
Do people realize that you two are human with the same needs as all of us….to affiliate with others, friendship, etc…?
I vote you write. I think on facebook you can create closed groups that only those you invite to can access…. that might allow you to select your most trusted circle, your sphere of influence, and invite only them so that you can do you work.
Good luck Rae, I seem to remember your instincts usually being right.
G
Rae, being married to a pastor myself, I hear you loud and clear. I never did fit the mold of the pastor’s wife and Mike serving as a Navy chaplain relieved me of some of that stress. Depending on the particular congregation, there was certainly still plenty of expectation. The more difficult thing was serving a community of people who came from all different denominational backgrounds. I found that they clung too deeply to “It is that He was born in a humble stall, lived a life of humility, died on the cross for our sins, conquered death, and now reigns in heaven on high! Accept it or die. It is that simple. Period. End of discussion.” I agree that is the bottom line, but I was saddened by those who were unwilling to seek desperately to know better the living God we serve. Mike and I both had to endure comments that Mike’s teaching was “twisted” because he believed something as “awful” as God being SOVEREIGN. I do believe you should write…I recommend that if you decide to do it in an open forum you think long and hard about the consequences. Remember that you are dealing with flawed, broken human beings of which you and I are members…they probably will not in anyway understand or “get” what its like to be the pastor’s wife and their expectation will probably no change. What’s written about will be discussed in private and you won’t be there to clarify or defend your position. I stepped out of bounds more than once over the years and I have regretted it because it was self-indulgent and seemed to have no affect on the people who offended us. If you change your forum, please include me. I would love to bounce things around with you. Loving you…Carol
Hi Rae,
My pastor’s wife encountered the same unreasonable expextations when HE was being interviewed for a job. She told them that they were hiring HIM, not HER. And she does NOT teach SS, play the piano or lead anything “IN” the church. He and she believe that her job is to be a keeper-at-home, raise their (now 9) children, and be HIS helpmeet, not the church’s helpmeet.
I pray that you will find the peace and balance you long for.
Blessings,
~Mrs. R~
(yes, it’s “me” from the tracker forum, in case you recognized “me”)
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11 years ago, I sat on our church council. I was youngish for that job, but I enjoyed my time. Our pastor was (relatively) young, with a wife and child, and had just become our pastor. His wife made it very clear that she would be a member of the church, and would act according to that role, and that role only. Some people didn’t like that, but I applauded her. We didn’t hire her, we hired him. He also did a wonderful job of creating and implementing a pastoral care team. This group met with him quarterly to “check in” with where he was in his job and life. He supported us, and we supported him. Because, although he was the leader, he was also a member.
I’ve always thought that being a pastor’s wife could be one of the hardest jobs in the world, and that I wouldn’t be very good at it. I have a hard time tolerating people thinking that the words I say are my husbands. I’ve found we have the same problem in the military, and I hate it.
What I think too many people fail to realize and practice is tolerance. I may not agree with all of your views and thoughts, but we each have to live our lives in the way we feel best fits us. Too many don’t allow that.
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Rae,
I remember reading your post about spanking and LOVING it. Yah, I’ve been a long time reader yet not a commenter. I am also a pastors wife and yet both my husband and I have been hired. We actually asked for it to be that way so that we’d both be reimbursed and thus recognized as having responsibility and authority. I realize that’s a bit different than most, but it’s what works for us.
What you wrote so long ago about not spanking was something that I’d felt for years, and yet you explained it in such a way that I was able to “hold onto” the idea and explain it to others….family and friends. You and your explanations encouraged me to look further and research the concept that I felt in my heart and yet that went so against what was “normal” in our social circles. I honestly believe that time was a “key or defining” time in our lives and even though you didn’t know it – you and/or your words/heart were a part of it. Thank you!
I, too would say write. Yes, as one person mentioned…we ALL make choices and then GET TO live with the consequences of our choices. I’ve found that no one can (rightly) fault me for how I feel and so when I have to talk or share (in person or on blog, or via e-mail or where ever) I stick to how I feel about things. They are my opinions. I’m not asking anyone to like what I say or to change because of what I say, but this is how I feel and I’m putting it out there and you can comment on it, but as long as I know that Father God loves me and that I’m following His guidance and leading then regardless of whether others like what I have to say or agree with me….I’m in a good place.
This is a hard position to hold and I do love to hear your thoughts on the heavy matters. I hope to hear more of them.
Know that I’m out here and will try to comment more. It’s not my job to make you feel less isolated, but I can let you know that I’m around….and I’ll try to do just that.
Big Hugs from the West Coast of Canada!
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